


Persona Non-Grata

by GENERAL_KENOBI22



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Pre-Casino Night S2, ensemble fic, epistolary fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-26
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-03-03 18:17:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2860430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GENERAL_KENOBI22/pseuds/GENERAL_KENOBI22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just another day in the office, told explicitly through e-mail.  Someone's been banned from the office, and the other employees investigate as to why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Installment One

**Fr: Corporate**   
**Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees**   
**RE: Persona non grata**

To Whom It May Concern:

Let it be known that Regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Michael G. Scott's status has been updated to persona non grata. Anyone assisting Mr. Scott onto the premises and/or informing him of the daily going ons of the office will face severe punishment. It is asked that as employees, you continue to work as usual and not allow the situation at hand to affect work ethic. In the mean time, the residing Human Resources leader will fill in for Mr. Scott until a replacement is found, or the situation is neutralized. Also, until further notice, the second quarter camaraderie event will be cancelled. If there are any questions or comments, please direct them to HR.

Jan Levinson   
Dunder Mifflin Corporate Manager   
Head Offices, NY

**Fr: Kelly Kapoor**   
**To: Ryan Howard**   
**RE: Persona non grata?**

Hey, did you get the e-mail from Corporate too? From where I'm at, it's hard to keep up with the office gossip. I miss when Jim sat back here. Toby doesn't talk much, plus, he had to relocate to Michael's office for the takeover. I wonder what Michael did that has him kicked off premises. It's weird considering all the other offensive things he's done. I wonder what finally sent Corporate over the edge? Anyway, e-mail me back if you hear anything.

Love,

Kelly ;)

P.S.: You may want to check out your other e-mail address. I tried sending this message to you, only, it said I was blocked which was totally weird. Anyway, I had to send this through your company account. Just a heads up.   
  
P.P.S.: Are we still on for tomorrow? Please say yes because this week has been anything but entertaining. I'm still trying to get the image of Dwight gallivanting around the office without his pants on. There is no way that's an ancient German defense tactic, and even if it is, why would you do it in the office?

**Fr: Creed Bratton**   
**To: Meredith Palmer**   
**RE: Faxes**

Could you fax this price sheet for oak tag to the post office? They were interested in the pricing range for 8"x 10" sheets, but wanted to make sure it wasn't too pricey. Thank you very much.

Creed

Fr: Meredith Palmer  
To: Creed Bratton   
RE: Faxes

First of all, Creed, I'm pretty sure you have to fax things on your own time. Second, if anyone would be in charge of faxes, it would be reception. Since you probably wouldn't know, I do not work in reception. That would be Pam. Her e-mail address is attached.

Meredith

P.S.: If you would, don't e-mail me again. Ever

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Toby Flenderson**   
**RE: Michael**

Salutations, Toby:

Upon checking my e-mail, as I do every morning as soon as I come in (wouldn't want to waste valuable sales time) I came across a letter from Corporate with startling information. While I am grieving for Michael's condition, as I'm sure we all are, I cannot help but ask why it is that it was you and not I, assistant regional manager, who was given full responsibility in Michael's absence. I'm not saying that you are not qualified; I am just saying that I am higher up than and much better than you. I am even more upset that I was not made aware of this situation beforehand. Contact me immediately.

Dwight K. Schrute  
Assistant Regional Manager   
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Phyllis Lapin**   
**RE: Persona non grata**

Hey, Phyllis, you wouldn't happen to know why Michael's been banned from the office, would you? I can think of a number of reasons (and they all, coincidentally, occurred in just a day's time) why he might have been, but I figured that if I wanted cold, hard facts, I should come to the mistress of gossip herself.

Sincerely,   
Pam

**Fr: Kevin Malone**   
**To: Oscar Martinez**   
**RE: Michael**

Why do you think Michael's persona non grata?

Kevin

**Fr: Oscar Martinez**   
**To: Kevin Malone**   
**RE: ?**

Kevin, why are you emailing me when we sit right next to each other? Just talk to me.

Oscar

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: I must be dreaming**

Hey, did you get the corporate e-mail concerning Michael too? What's the deal with _that_? You can tell I'm flabbergasted because I had to utilize the italics. The only other piece of information (besides the cancellation of the second quarter camaraderie event which, I'm not going to lie to you, Pam, has cut me deeply) that had me worked up was the information that Michael might be coming back if SNAFU is solved altogether. Then again, Dwight may be fired because what are the chances that he's _not_ communicating with Michael? Maybe Shakespeare had a point when he said opposites existed in everything, you know, with the whole cancellation and firing thing. I—actually, Pam, you know what? If I'm not given time to grieve properly about the camaraderie event, I'm going to piss myself. Whether out of grief or sheer irony is yet to be determined.

Bored at only 10AM,  
Jim

P.S.: I think I might boost Dwight's morale today with some inspirational messages. He can't be all that happy over Toby getting Michael's spot.

P.P.S.: The purpose of Business Casual Friday (or Biz-Cas-Fri, as Strong Bad puts it) is to leave your inhibitions to the wind. I'm afraid trading your Keds for sandals does not count as risk-taking, no matter how nice the sandals are. You have failed me, Beesly. I can never forgive you unless you're willing to dish out the dirt on Michael Snot.

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: I must be dreaming**

P.P.P.S: I hate Todd Packer.

**Fr: Kevin Malone**   
**To: Oscar Martinez**   
**RE: I would talk to you but . . .**

. . . Angela keeps looking at us, waiting to yell. So again I ask: do you know anything about Situation Michael?

Kevin

**Fr: Stanley Hudson**   
**To: Wife**   
**RE: Tonight**

My boss isn't allowed into the building today. When I get home, we're going out to celebrate tonight.

Love,   
Stanley

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**RE: N/A**

Cock

**Fr: Ryan Howard**   
**To: Kelly Kapoor**   
**RE: Persona non grata**

As it looks, everyone in the office received the e-mail. To be brutally honest, I have no idea what happened with Michael, and I'm kind of hoping it stays that way. Anything that stops him from coming in contact with me is okay in my book. Sorry I couldn't be for more help. Also, sorry about the other email address. I'll check that out.

Ryan

P.S.: I won't be able to make it Saturday. I have a seminar to attend concerning my business classes. I'm really sorry.

**Fr: Toby Flenderson**   
**Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees**   
**RE: Warning**

This is just a notice letting you guys (the staff) know that a couple of security guards will be placed in and outside of the office. Given that Mr. Scott's status is persona non grata, as well as his past history, the guards are here for a worst case scenario. All I am asking of the employees is that you all at accordingly. That means, Dwight, keep your pants on.

Thanks,   
Toby

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Malfeasance**

Damn it, Jim, that is NOT FUNNY! Failure to use the e-mail privilege in a mature, adult-like manner will result in punishment. Why can't you just act like a normal human being? You are so ridiculous.

Dwight K. Schrute   
Assistant Regional Manager   
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**RE: Have you ever considered stand-up?**

_"Why can't you just act like a normal human being?"_

You mean like you? You're too cute, Dwight.

Jim Halpert  
Better at Sales Than You   
Dunder Mifflin—Normalheights, PA

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Urgent!**

Oh, my God! I am so sorry it took so long for me to get back to you. Michael actually sent me a voicemail, outlining work that needs to be done for the day, so that's what I've been doing: work. But ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! (Shameless fan girl moment, sorry). I have got the dish on Michael courtesy of Phyllis. Do you remember back when Dwight found a joint in the parking lot? And you saw Dwight carrying his urine around all day? Well, apparently, Corporate found out that the joint actually belonged to Michael! That's not even the best part. The reason Corporate didn't catch this the first time was because his test had come out negative which leads me to believe that Dwight passed his urine off as _Michael's_! I apologize for the excessive exclamation marks, but do you understand the severity of this situation? Michael's persona non grata status is due to drug use! Jim, this opens up all types of possibilities. Do you think he sells? Because I've been needing to refill my stash. Kidding! Totally kidding.

Write back,   
Pam

P.S.: I actually feel sorry for Dwight. He's always coming up only second best. That has to suck. All I'm saying is don't do anything I wouldn't.

P.P.S.: In case you haven't noticed, Halpert, I'm actually wearing jeans, so that's pretty risky. And what about you? You're wearing sandals too, and shorts which are against Biz-Cas-Fri rules. On another note, I love Homestar Runner. I haven't watched in ages.

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Phyllis Lapin**   
**RE: Thanks for the Michael Info**

I think . . . no, no, I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you, Phyllis. You just made my day.

Jim

**Fr: Roy Anderson**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Hi**

Hey, Pammy. I miss you. This stomach bug, or whatever the hell it is, is absolute torture. I made myself some waffles, but even they didn't cheer me up. Thanks for setting up the living room for me. I feel like I'm in the Hilton what with the nice blankets and the award winning television programs. That was sarcasm, or was it irony? Eh, don't know, but the blankets and pillows were nice.

I wrote a song for you. I've been pretty bored, so it's only one verse or whatever but here goes:

_Pam Beesly_   
_She's my baby/_   
_Her eyes warm my soul_   
_Her smile makes me want to win goals/_   
_And the sex is never waaaaaa—ning_

Or is it waxing? I don't know. So what do you think? An aphrodisiac, no? And speaking of sex . . . you game? I'm just kidding, babe. Not really :).

Love,   
Roy

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees**   
**RE: Persona non grata**

It is with the deepest sorrow that I impress upon you the nature of Michael's status. He has been banned from the office due to habitual drug use. I realize this will come as a surprise to some of you. How could someone so funny be doing drugs, you're probably asking yourself. Please keep this info to yourselves.

Sincerely,   
Pam

P.S.: End of the week drinks at Poor Richard's tonight at seven for anyone interested.

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Liar**

_"Deepest sorrow"_ my ass, Beesly.

Hard at work or hardly working,  
Jim

P.S.: I'll reply to your other e-mail ASAP. Had to deal with 'Dwigt' for the last hour.

**Fr: Angela Martin**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: No right**

Dear Pam,

Despite your or any of our feelings toward Michael, it was not your place to insincerely give out false information about your/our superior. That is Toby's job. How do you go to bed at night knowing how immoral you are? I hope you can take care of this situation before it worsens.

Sincerely,   
Angela Martin

**Fr: Kevin Malone**   
**To: Oscar Martinez**   
**RE: Situation Michael**

Never mind. Pam's e-mail has explained ALL. Hehehe. Can you believe it?

Kevin

**Fr: Angela Martin**   
**Fwd: Kevin Malone, Oscar Martinez**   
**RE: Inappropriate**

Please stop talking about Michael. It's inappropriate work place behavior. Conduct yourselves like adults.

Sincerely,   
Angela Martin

**Fr: Oscar Martinez**   
**To: Kevin Malone**   
**RE: Angela**

Bitch.

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: You're kidding me**

Wow. I just—it's unbelievable! Michael's doing drugs? That would certainly explain a LOT, but I just can't picture him doing them habitually. I mean, come on. Who's his dealer? And Dwight gave Michael his URINE? That's disgusting. There's nothing I can say to that. The only good thing that comes out of this is that Dwight's in serious trouble. Maybe he'll get fired. It'll be like Christmas and my birthday come early. But, whoa, James Halpert, your parents did not raise you like that. Be patient. Anyway, I forgive you for your earlier transgressions (barely; see below). Keep me posted.

Stronger than yesterday,   
Jim

P.S.: Relax, Pam. I'm just typing little messages of encouragement. As a matter of fact, after I send this to you, I'm giving Dwight another one.

P.P.S.: Whoa. I am not simply wearing sandals. They are mandals, and only those with certain amounts of testosterone are allowed to wear them. Very masculine; very macho. As for the shorts, well, I'm not gonna lie to you: they are an accomplice to rebellion. Your jeans were noticed, by the way. Very nice; very risky, but you're wearing the cardigan again. Take the dive, Beesly. You should have worn a halter top and maybe a flouncy cheerleading skirt. I would have let you borrow mine if you had asked. Feel honored. Not many get that invitation in a lifetime.

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**RE: I love you**

Cock.

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: You're such a dork**

Mandals, huh? Not as risky as my Arizona's which I got for half off at Macy's by the way, but impressive nonetheless. As far as the cardigan goes, I was debating between two t-shirts this morning. One said "Bitch" on it, the other "Ghetto Fab", but somehow I didn't think they were really appropriate. Write me if you have anything interesting. I'm dying over here on Reception Island.

Fax me baby one more time (Nice, huh?),   
Pam

P.S.: You could tell that was sarcasm? About the shirts, I mean?

P.P.S: Why are we using Britney Spears lyrics for our sign-offs? Or variations of, anyway?

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: You're so GAY**

If you don't stop sending me offensive e-mails, I will report you. Jerk.

Dwight K. Schrute   
Assistant Regional Manager   
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Angela Martin**   
**RE: URGENT MESSAGE: SHOW NO ONE**

Angela:

If Corporate knows about Michael and the joint, then sooner or later, they will figure out whose urine he used which means I will be in so much trouble. What should I do, my love? I have run out of sources to run to. Please, I beg of you. Be the Captain Kirk to my _Enterprise_. I need someone to guide my tortured soul.

Dwight K. Schrute   
Assistant Regional Manager   
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Roy Anderson**   
**RE: Oh my God—HA!**

I know you tried, honey, but that was the worst song I ever read. I almost had mint tea squirt out of my nose. The part about my eyes was really sweet though, so thank you. And even though it sucked, the thought was nice. It's really weird in the office today. There are about five security guards just hanging out in the office, making sure that Michael doesn't try to break in. He was banned from the office! I'll give you more details when I get home because I actually have to work now. I'll be home after end of the week drinks at Poor Richard's tonight, so don't wait up for me. I hope you feel better. Don't forget there's some ice cream in the freezer. It always makes me feel better.

Love,   
Pam

P.S.: Don't quit your day job, Bon Jovi, xoxo.

**Fr: Kelly Kapoor**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Ryan**

Hey, Jim. I was just curious: what would your reaction be to a guy who promises to go out with you on Saturday, but cancels because he has a seminar? This date, by the way, was planned for, like, a day now.   
Thanks,   
Kelly ;)

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Meredith Palmer**   
**RE: Women's Bathroom**

Hey, Meredith, I was just wondering if it was you who wrote that thing about Dwight in the women's bathroom because I know it wasn't me this time. Angela looked mighty angry today, and I just wanted to know who to thank.

Pam

P.S.: Young Robert Redford look-a-like security guard has been staring in your general direction for the past forty-three minutes. You should ask him to come along to Poor Richard's tonight.

* * *

 

 

_**Hey, you're reaching Ryan Howard's personal line. I can't come to the phone right now, so leave a message after the tone, and I'll get back to you. Remember: the first rule about Fight Club is you do not TALK about Fight Club.** _

**_(tone)_ **

**_Ryan? This is your mother. I'm just calling to check up on you. How have you been? You never call anymore. Your father bought himself a new boat he wants to try out whenever you come up this way again. Which brings me to my next question: when ARE you coming up to visit? Bring your girlfriend along so we can meet her. What was her name again? Anyway, I'll talk to you later, bye-bye._ **

**_(click)_ **

**_Hey, you're reaching Ryan Howard's personal line. I can't come to the phone right now, so leave a message after the tone, and I'll get back to you. Remember: the first rule about Fight Club is you do not TALK about Fight Club._ **

**_(tone)_ **

**_Ryan, are you there? . . . Please pick up. Ryan, this is Michael Scott. Listen, I know I shouldn't be communicating with anyone in the building, but you've got to hand me a line. Help me, Obi-Wan, you're my only hope, ha-ha-ha, but seriously: call me back or I might be forced to do something drastic._ **

**_(click)_ **

**_Hey, you're reaching Ryan Howard's personal line. I can't come to the phone right now, so leave a message after the tone, and I'll get back to you. Remember: the first rule about Fight Club is you do not TALK about Fight Club_**.

**_(tone)_ **

**_Hey, um, Ryan? This is Katy. I'm calling on my lunch break, so I'll make this quick. I just wanted to call and say that I had a lot of fun last week at that Shins concert, and I was wondering about tomorrow. Should I bring popcorn, or just leave it at The Breakfast Club? By the way: Fight Club? You're so cute! Call me back when you can. Bye._ **

**_(click)_ **

* * *

 

**Fr: Angela Martin**   
**To: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**RE: You got yourself into this mess . . .**

. . . You can get yourself out of it. Be the strong, independent man I . . . like immensely. I'll be out of town for the weekend, so . . . unfortunately . . . no cookie.

Yours truly,   
Angela Martin

**Fr: Meredith Palmer**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Guilty**

Also, challenge duly noted. He is a hunk.

Meredith

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: So bored**

You haven't e-mailed me back, so I took the initiative and wrote you. Point is while I was playing Solitaire, it came to me. The perfect Dwight prank, I mean. Okay, here's w—

**Fr: Phyllis Lapin**   
**To: Creed Bratton**   
**RE: N/A**

Oh, my—can you believe what happened?

Phyllis

**Fr: Creed Bratton**   
**To: Phyllis Lapin**   
**RE: N/A**

What'd I miss?

Creed

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Speechless**

Break room. Stat.

**Fr: Stanley Hudson**   
**To: Toby Flenderson**   
**RE: Take control**

Toby, you may want to send an e-mail out just to calm everybody down. At least try to calm down Dwight. He's been running around like an imbecile.

Thanks in advance,   
Stanley

**Fr: Angela Martin**   
**To: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**RE: Michael**

You haven't talked to him, have you?

Sincerely,   
Angela Martin

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Angela Martin**   
**RE: Michael**

Of course not! It's against regulation.

Dwight K. Schrute   
Assistant Regional Manager   
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

P.S.: Can we have cookie tonight?

**Fr: Toby**   
**Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees**   
**RE: Michael Scott**

Let it be known that due to recent events, Michael Gary Scott's persona non grata status has been updated to Threat Level. Please continue following the instructions given this morning. If there are any questions or concerns, contact me.

Thanks,   
Toby

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Toby Flenderson**   
**RE: Security**

Will we, the employees, be safe? I've always thought the security here sucks, and judging by recent events, my hypothesis registers as true. Something needs to be done.

Dwight K. Schrute   
Assistant Regional Manager   
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Unbelievable**

Wow. I mean, wow . . . Why am I always AWOL when all the good stuff happens? Thanks for bringing me up to date. Oh, and for the soda. Wow, I am just . . . are you sure you actually witnessed this event? Michael _actually_ broke into this office?

Don't let me be the last to know,   
Jim

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Unbelievable**

Yes, I'm sure! Michael _actually_ broke in (wearing one of those glasses with the mustache and fake nose attached) and he was _actually_ tackled by all five security guards. Jim, it was the funniest thing EVER! Seriously, all the guards just pounced on top of him, and then he ran away like a startled fawn. Okay, that's exaggerating. They had to drag him away. The best part, however, was when they were dragging him away, Michael shouted in his bad imitation way, "They can take away our lives, but they cannot take away our freedom!" All was said in a very bad Scottish accent, and was very dramatic. I am laughing hysterically just thinking about it. I can't believe you missed it. Where were you?

Me against the Music,   
Pam

P.S.: Why are you using military jargon? First SNAFU, now AWOL? Does someone have a secret ambition?

P.P.S.: Also, you owe me five bucks. I told you Creed could pick up that bag of chips with his four-toed foot, so I believe 'suck its' are in order.

**Fr: Jim Halbert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Unbelievable**

I drove out to the convenient store down the road and bought a single serving sized bag of Cheez-its because I got this weird craving for them. Damn! I cannot believe I missed it. It sounds like the event of a life time. As for the military terms, on the other hand, it is all Dwight's influence. He keeps using weird terms, and then somehow I start using them. My apologies.

(Dwight drives me) Crazy,   
Jim

P.S.: How about instead of five bucks, after drinks tonight, we watch a DVD, my treat. Maybe even _Braveheart_ so we can laugh ourselves hoarse when Mel Gibson utters his famous line as we compare it to Michael's version. I'll bring the popcorn.

**Fr: Jim Halpert**  
 **To: Dwight K. Schrute**  
 **RE: Did you ever know that you're my hero**?

Cock.

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Not so tough now, are you?**

THAT'S IT! I'm reporting you.

Dwight K. Schrute   
Assistant Regional Manager   
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**RE: You are the wind beneath my wings**

No, I'm reporting YOU.

Jim Halpert  
Guy in Sales  
Dunder Mifflin—Newfuckyoudwightland, PA

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Michael Scott**   
**RE: Success**

Don't worry. Everything went smoothly. No one suspects a thing.

Dwight K. Schrute   
Assistant Regional Manager   
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Tonight**

Um, that sounds really great and all, but Roy's at home sick, and I promised him I'd be home after drinks. I'm really sorry.

Toxic,   
Pam

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Tonight**

Eh, don't be. I'll just, um, go hunting with, uh, Dwight tonight. We'll shoot some bears or something. Maybe some other time?

Overprotected,   
Jim

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Tonight**

Definitely :)

**Fr: Michael Scott**   
**To: Jan Levinson**   
**RE: Hello?**

Jan, you can't keep ignoring all my e-mails, my letters, my calls, my gifts, my singing telegrams, etc. You're great, and I'm great. And hilarious. We're like peanut butter and jelly, or like the three stooges minus the third one (or all three if you prefer it that way; I don't judge). But the point is that you can't keep ignoring me. Besides, no one suspects a thing. They're as aloof as a group of aloof . . . things. Please reconsider. Especially considering what happened last night.

Michael Scott a.k.a. The Love Machine

Fr: Jan Levinson   
To: Michael Scott   
RE: Don't contact me

Michael, this is the last time I am going to mention this. We are officially through. And please—please—don't contact me ever again. Last night . . . was a mistake. A HUGE mistake. And it's only the grace of whoever the hell's up there that the entire company didn't figure out that the reason you were banned from the office today was because we were caught . . . you know, doing it, out on the parking lot which, by the way is company property. This thing, whatever it is, has reached a new level of humiliation that I cannot even begin to fathom. So if you truly do care about me, you will respect my wishes and never contact me again.

Jan

* * *

 

 

**_Salutations. You have reached Dwight Kurtis Shrute II's private line. I am unable to answer your call probably because I am too busy working my beet field. If what you have to say is that important, please leave a message. When I am done cultivating the field, I will try to get back to you._ **

**_(tone)_ **

**_COCK._ **

**_(click)_ **


	2. Installment Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place a week after Installment One.

**Fr: Michael Scott**   
**To: Carol – Real Estate Girlfriend**   
**RE: N/A**

Hi, Carol.

It's Michael again. Listen, if you receive more e-mails from me, like around six to seven or, you know twelve, the internet over at the office is going screwy again. I just wanted to let you know in case you thought that I got trigger happy and just started sending you e-mails containing whatever I was thinking at the moment, which is NOT what happened, the internet is screwy, so . . .

Um, anyway, I just wanted to say that I miss you. Yes, I know we just had dinner last night together, but still. Uh, if you're free later this week, we could do a movie night at my condo. There is a futon cushion with your name on it. Caddyshack is on TBS on Saturday night, and it is a DNM! DNM? "Do not miss." It's what the hip kids are calling it these days. Of course, if you can't make it, I understand. Well, okay. That's all I wanted to say. I love you. I-I mean, if that's okay with you. If it seems like I'm coming on too strongly, just say so, and I will back away. _'Gee, officer, I'm innocent. I'm innocent!'_ Ha, it's kind of like those thirties cop serials. Um . . .

I will talk to you later then,   
Michael Scott

P.S.: Tell the kids I say "hi".

**Fr: Roy Anderson**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Have a good day**

Hey, Pammy. I thought I'd send this e-mail to you now, so it'll be there when you get in to work. We need more grape jelly, if you get a chance to stop by King's. And some Tostitos and salsa for Sunday night, just in case I finally get over this damn cold. I feel like I've been run over by a 16-wheeler, babe. It's brutal.

Anyway, I gotta get going. I'm watching Rachel Ray's show, and not only does what she's cooking look delicious, but she's pretty hot, too.

Have a good one,  
Roy

**Fr: Oscar Martinez**   
**To: Gil**   
**RE: Last night**

I'm really sorry I ended up getting sick last night. I'm even more sorry about your shoes. From what I was able to see of Top Gun, it looked like an excellent film, so hopefully when this bug clears up, we can reschedule. By the way, that sweater looked new you had on. The color was gorgeous. Ralph Lauren? Anyway, I'd better sign off. If Angela sees me using the computer for personal reasons, she will literally kill me.

Love,  
Oscar

P.S.: I think I may have left my chiffon robe at your place. Could you look for it?

**Fr: Toby Flenderson – Human Resources**   
**Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees**   
**RE: Restroom facilities**

Hey, this is just a friendly reminder to please follow the proper conduct code concerning the restrooms in the Dunder Mifflin Employee hand book, section 7E. In case you've forgotten, the rules state that defacing company property (including the restrooms) is punishable by law and could result in a hefty fine. I have received some complaints regarding the women's bathroom, so I thought I would remind you all. If this doesn't stop, I'll be forced to take action, and I don't think any of us would want to pay for a new bathroom stall at Dunder Mifflin. So, just stop the writing, okay?

Also, Dwight, I have specifically told you the policy concerning anything that comes from an animal. Those containers of deer urine in the men's bathroom are a health hazard and need to be removed immediately.

Thanks,  
Toby

**Fr: Corporate**   
**Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees**   
**RE: Customers**

To Whom It May Concern:

The Dunder Mifflin family is comprised of numerous branches, including Scranton, and it is our goal, as well as a part of this company's mission statement, to supply paper to our customers under any conditions in the most efficient way possible. Even though we are a paper supply company, I like to think that we are in the pleasing people business. In order to increase our employee/customer camaraderie, Corporate has requested that each of you search your records and make a list of every customer you have dealt with in your years of service to this company, including the ones you are currently dealing with, and give it to Michael Scott at the end of the day. I know the task may seem tedious, but it will help in the long run if Dunder Mifflin has a grasp on who we have been dealing with over the years.

P.S.: Let it be known that personnel, Todd Packer's, status has been raised to persona non grata. Anyone caught assisting Mr. Packer onto the premises or informing him of daily going ons in the office will face severe punishment. Please don't allow the situation to affect work ethic.

Jan Levinson  
Dunder Mifflin Corporate Manager   
Head Offices, NY

**Fr: Corporate**   
**To: Michael Scott**   
**RE: Persona non grata**

Under no circumstances is Todd Packer to be allowed in the building. Complaints were received from many of the employees concerned with his raucous and extremely inappropriate work behavior the last time he "visited." I trust that even though he is your friend, you will be mature and professional enough to follow your duties as boss and enforce the rules.   
Jan Levinson  
Dunder Mifflin Corporate Manager   
Head Offices, NY

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Larissa Halpert**   
**RE: Dinner plans**

Hey, Mom. Just checking to make sure we're still on for tonight. It has been one hell of a day (Time – 10:11 AM), and I won't lie: it'll be great to see you. Tell Dad I said 'hi,' and tell him, no, I'm still not married yet. If you can, remind him that I am a masculine, excessively testosterone filled man who wants to focus on my budding career . . . at a . . . paper supply company. Do _not_ mention Katy and I broke up. He'll just think I'm too much of a wimp to be in a committed relationship, and then I'll be forced to hear The Speech. Anyway, keep that blood pressure low. You know what the doctors'll say if you don't.

Love you, Mom,  
Jim

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: The Apprentice**

Question: did you catch last night's episode?

P.S.: Todd Packer is persona non grata. We should celebrate. I've got some day old donuts in my car. Act now or forever hold your peace.

**Fr: Stanley Hudson**   
**To: Toby Flenderson**   
**RE: Angela Martin**

You wouldn't happen to have a band aid, would you? I have given myself a paper cut, and normally, I wouldn't bother you, but Angela will not let me near the first-aid case. Unfortunately, I used my last one two days ago.

Stanley

**Fr: Toby Flenderson – Human Resources**   
**To: Angela Martin**   
**RE: Stanley Hudson**

Give Stanley a band aid.

Toby

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: You are weak**

Salutations . . . Jim. I just wanted to warn you before I get knee deep in my almost finished work load that there is no way you can get me aggravated today. The title of the seventh _Harry Potter_ novel has been unveiled, and I happen to be one of millions privy to its name. With this knowledge, I am invincible, and that is why anything you have planned for me today, I shall merely laugh at and declare, "You're just stupid!" You have been warned.

Dwight K. Schrute   
Assistant Regional Manager   
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: The Apprentice**

Unfortunately, Jim Halpert, I did not watch last night's episode. As we've discussed before, I have a life, plus, Roy's been sick for about a week now, and I've been all caught up in that. I was really looking forward to seeing the losers in tents, too. Darn it. Anyway, right now my life consists of listing every single person I have ever dealt with over the past however many years, so I have to cut this short. Please kill me.

In need of two tickets to paradise,  
Pam

P.S.: Todd Packer is persona non grata and you have day old donuts? Count me in. They'll go perfectly with my mixed berry yogurt. In short, I accept your invitation.

**Fr: Kelly Kapoor**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: OMG, OMG, OMG!**

I finally got a chance to watch _One Tree Hill_ , and you were totally right! It was, like, way better than _The O.C._ Why was I wasting my time watching Benjamin McKenzie when I could have been ogling CMM (Chad Michael Murray) without his shirt on? Plus, you can't even see the tension between him and his real life ex, Sophia Bush. I owe you my life, Jim!

Kelly ;)

P.S.: Ryan still hasn't called me back.

**Fr: Kevin Malone**   
**To: Meredith Palmer**   
**RE: Stapler**

Do you have one I could borrow? I can't find mine. I have a sneaking suspicion Angela took it. She is crazy. In a bad way.

Kevin

**Fr: Phyllis Lapin**   
**To: Bob Vance; Vance Refrigeration**   
**RE: Todd Packer**

Hi, honey. Todd Packer has been banned from the office, so you don't have to worry about him getting fresh with us ladies. He is, after all, quite a catch.

Just kidding. I love you.

Love,  
Phyllis

**Fr: Meredith Palmer**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Thank you**

Friday night drinks were great. Looking forward to this week's get-together. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that young Robert Redford look-a-like (his name is Verne, by the way) and I hit it off _really_ well, and we have plans to get together another time, and it's all thanks to you. Thank you so much for making me invite him. He seriously is a hunk.

Meredith

**Fr: Kelly Kapoor**   
**To: Ryan Howard**   
**RE: Plans**

Hey, you never called me back, and I was wondering if you got my message or not? Are you feeling okay? Because you look thinner, like, you have the flu or something. We were supposed to go see the new Brad Pitt movie, so if we're still on, just e-mail me back. Or call me. Or just, you know, tell me in person. I miss you.

XOXOXO,  
Kelly ;)

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Angela Martin**   
**RE: Dinner plans**

I would like to cordially invite you to the beet farm this evening for dinner. We'll dine by candlelight, and then later, perhaps I'll take you to the crossbow range and demonstrate how I could easily protect you with merely a single arrow and a beet seed. The question is: will you accept?

Dwight K. Schrute   
Assistant Regional Manager   
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

**Fr: Darryl Philbin**   
**To: Michael Scott**   
**RE: Shipping**

Hey, Mike, uh, there appears to be a red corvette parked right in front of the loading dock, and we need to get a major shipment out by 12:00. The time right now is 11:32, and, unfortunately, we are one man short, so it is taking us longer than expected to get the supplies together. From the last time he was here, I know that car happens to belong to Todd Packer. Now, you and I both know that if corporate knew he was here, you would be in huge trouble. So I'm willing to make an offer. I'll keep my mouth shut if you get him to move his vehicle, so I can do my job. I really do appreciate it.

Fleece it out,  
Mista Rogers

P.S.: Some of the warehouse guys (myself included) find that Punxsutawney Phil doll, the one that dances to that automated Gary Glitter song, really distracting. We get that it's hysterical, but if you could remove that too, it'd be great.

**Fr: Katy**   
**To: Ryan Howard**   
**RE: Last night**

Hey, Sexy. Just wanted to let you know I had a _really_ good time last night, and that mixed tape was really great. I had no idea you liked _Crazy in Love_. What a surprise. Anyway, I was out shopping earlier, and I found an even better shirt to replace yours I sort of destroyed the other night. A little later, I'll be in the area, so I'll swing by, and afterwards, we can grab lunch.

Looking forward to the weekend,  
Katy

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Meredith Palmer**   
**RE: Thank you**

Oh, wow. Congratulations. This could very well be one of the best things to have happened to you in awhile. So . . . details! Tell me more about Young Robert Redford look-a-like (a.k.a.: YRRLAL; it sounds much more mysterious). He sounds like a really great guy.

Pam

**Fr: Michael Scott**   
**To: Jan Levinson**   
**RE: N/A**

Good afternoon, Ms. Levinson. I'm doing well, thank you for asking. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I am a man of my word, and as such, m'lady, Todd Packer has not seen the inside of Scranton's Dunder Mifflin offices at all today. And I, Michael Gary Scott, plan on keeping it that way. So there is absolutely nothing to worry about. Nothing at _all_.

In comedy we trust,  
Michael

**Fr: Angela Martin**   
**To: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**RE: Dinner plans**

Dear Dwight,

My answer regarding your previous e-mail is . . . yes. But not before something is done about Todd Packer. We all know corporate has him on a persona non grata status, and yet, not ten minutes ago, he walked through the company doors. You have to do something about it. Todd Packer is not only a terrible sales rep, but he is a sexist, inhumane . . . _thing_ who is not allowed here. Talk to Michael. Please.

Sincerely,  
Angela Martin

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Not intended for the faint of heart . . . ENTER IF YOU DARE**

Can you tell Meredith got some last night?

Informatively yours,  
Pam

P.S.: Thanks for the donuts. I owe you

P.P.S.: Nice tie.

**Fr: Kevin Malone**   
**To: Oscar Martinez**   
**RE: Todd Packer**

Fifty bucks says he offends one of the females in this office (besides Angela), or I'll give you my M&M's.

ALL of them.

Kevin.

**Fr: Ryan Howard**   
**To: Katy**   
**RE: Last night**

NO!—I mean, now is not really a good time. Do NOT come by. We can do lunch some other time. Promise.

Ryan

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: You know who**

That is just . . . _disgusting_. Plus, how sad is it that _Meredith_ , of all people, got some last night, and I did not? This place is seriously killing me slowly, day by day. You wanna know what I did last night? Watched _The Apprentice_ , made a double serving of popcorn, caught some of _The Daily Show_ , and then played a few games of UNO with Mark's girlfriend because neither of us could sleep. Feel free to laugh. I won't get angry. By the way, why is it that Todd Packer, even when he's not allowed in the building, always manages to show up on the worst days in my life? God, I hate him.

Sending out an S.O.S.,  
Jim

P.S.: Could you draw me a picture of Todd Packer being killed by Dwight as like a pick-me-up since, as you put it so eloquently, "you owe me"? The request might sound morbid, but I know you can handle the challenge, Beesly. Extra points if Dwight's in his dojo outfit.

P.P.S.: Speaking of Dwight, I'm doing things a little differently today, almost like reverse psychology. See, instead of tormenting him, I'm ignoring him and being pleasant whenever I'm forced to talk to him. It's working its charm because he must have sent me well over twelve e-mails explaining how I was "not going to bring him down today." It's great because I don't actually have to _do_ anything, and a lot of free time managed to come my way. Did I mention I got my customer list finished? Guess that makes me President Halpert of these Paper Colonies.

**Fr: Ryan Howard**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Favor**

Hey, Jim, listen. I know you're probably really busy, but I was wondering if you could help me out. I don't want to, uh, bore you with details, but basically this girl I've kind of been seeing on the side is coming to the office during my lunch break, and I was wondering if you could stand guard outside the door and keep her from coming in. See, if Kelly meets her, I'm afraid she'll blow things way out of proportion, and I'm really swamped with work, or else I would do it myself. I owe you big time.

Ryan

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Surprising (not) info**

Ryan just sent me an e-mail, and apparently, he's gettin' a little somethin' somethin' on the side with some mystery woman while he's still "going out" with Kelly. I got the impression he didn't tell her they were over or the fact that he had moved on so quickly. I can sense some meaningless drama coming up. Will discuss details later. Have a customer on hold.

In Braveheart we trust,   
Jim

P.S.: I hate Todd Packer.

P.P.S.: I offered to give Dwight a foot massage. You should have seen his face. Ended up giving him gum instead.

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Surprising (not) info**

P.P.P.S.: It wasn't gum. It was sticky tack.

**Fr: Creed Bratton**   
**To: Toby Flenderson**   
**RE: N/A**

Some customer called my phone complaining about the shipment of paper he had been given. I told him he had the wrong number and hung up. Do we even sell paper?

Creed

**Fr: Meredith Palmer**   
**To: Phyllis Lapin**   
**RE: Todd Packer**

Can you believe the nerve of that guy to just talk to you like that? If I wasn't completely drunk right now, I would totally do him right now. Also, I have a boyfriend and a hysterectomy, so that's kind of a buzz kill too.

Meredith

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: You think you're SO smart**

Well played, sir. I suppose by not attacking right away, you think I've been duped. You think _I_ think that you had a change in heart. Well, let me let you in on a little secret: you would be wrong. You seem to forget that I am a Schrute as well as an excellent salesman. We Schrutes are vigilant and are never off guard. Back on the farm, my father would wake up at the crack of dawn each morning and fire a shot gun in my room to keep me from sleeping. He told me that a sleeping soldier was a dead soldier. After suffering a bout of insomnia and my eighth birthday, he stopped doing it. He told me it was because I had learned my lesson well. I believe it was because the neighbors called social services on the premises of cruel parenting. Either way, Jim, you can live among the humans and evolve as much as you want to, but I still know you're a cylon. In that way, you and Dr. Gaius Balthar have much in common. Unfortunately, for both of you, I am the great viper pilot Lee "Apollo" Adama, and with the tiniest slip, I will find you. You cannot bring me down today.

Dwight K.Schrute   
Assistant Regional Manager   
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

**Fr: Kelly Kapoor**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Your ex**

Oh, my God. Isn't that your ex-girlfriend Katy? What is she doing here?

Kelly ;)

**Fr: Angela Martin**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: The purse girl**

Dear Pam,

That . . . _harlot_ has somehow managed to once again enter this office. As you know from the last time she was here, the conference room was completely occupied with those gaudy purses for the majority of the day. The group that was supposed to meet in there was forced to hold their meeting in the hallway adjacent Vance Refrigeration. As receptionist, I feel you could adequately take care of the situation. Don't make me regret my instincts.

Sincerely,  
Angela Martin

Fr: Kelly Kapoor   
To: Jim Halpert   
RE: Your ex

What is Katy doing over by Ryan? I can't quite—Oh, my God . . .THAT SLUT!

* * *

 

**_Hi, you have reached the cell phone of James Halpert, or as I like to call it, Halpert Haven. I can't come to the phone right now because either my job has finally killed me, or I am out hittin' the town with my entourage of gorgeous foreign women. Take your pick, and leave a message after the beep. I'll most likely get back to you._ **

**_(tone)_ **

_Hi, Jimmy. This is your mother calling. I figured by this time you would be on your lunch break, but I guess not. Anyway, your father says 'hi' and that he wants you to swing by some time. But trust me; I know that work of yours is very demanding, so if you don't get to it, I understand. Anyway, I won't keep you long. I just wanted to let you know that I received your e-mail, and it will great to see you too, sweetie. I love you, Jimmy. Take care._

_**(click)** _

**_Hi, you have reached the cell phone of James Halpert, or as I like to call it, Halpert Haven. I can't come to the phone right now because either my job has finally killed me, or I am out hittin' the town with my entourage of gorgeous foreign women. Take your pick and leave a message after the beep. I'll most likely get back to you._ **

**_(tone)_ **

_Hey, Jim, it's me, Mark. Um, I'm sorry to bug you like this, but I was just wondering if you've seen my Jethro Tull concert tee anywhere. I was looking for it the other day, but couldn't find it. I just thought maybe it might have gotten mixed in with your laundry or something. It's no big deal, but if you know anything, just give me a call. Thanks. Bye._

**_(click)_ **

**_Hi, you have reached the cell phone of James Halpert, or as I like to call it, Halpert Haven. I can't come to the phone right now because either my job has literally killed me, or I am out hittin' the town with my entourage of gorgeous foreign women. Take your pick and leave a message after the beep. I'll most likely get back to you._ **

**_(tone)_ **

_Mr. Halpert, this is Blockbuster's calling. We were unable to reach anyone at the other phone number listed. This is just a friendly reminder that the following titles are over due: The Sopranos Season 3, Disc 2; Air Force One; Blade Runner; Witness; and The Fugitive. If these movies are not returned by tomorrow, you will own them. We appreciate your business and hope that in the future you continue to rely on us for your movie and game rental needs. Thank you, and have a great day._

**_(click)_ **

_**Hi, you have reached the cell phone of James Halpert, or as I like to call it, Halpert Haven. I can't come to the phone right now because either my job has literally killed me, or I am out hittin' the town with my entourage of gorgeous foreign women. Take your pick and leave a message after the beep. I'll most likely get back to you.** _

_**(tone)** _

_It's Mom. I'm sorry to call again, but I forgot to add something. You know how forgetful I am at my age. Anyway, I meant to say that when you do come by, you should bring that Pam we've heard so much about. She sounds like a sweet girl, and we would love to meet her. I'll stop calling you now. Love you. See you tonight._

_**(click)** _

_**Hi, you have reached the cell phone of James Halpert, or as I like to call it, Halpert Haven. I can't come to the phone right now because either my job has literally killed me, or I am out hittin' the town with my entourage of gorgeous foreign women. Take your pick and leave a message after the beep. I'll most likely get back to you.** _

_**(tone)** _

_It's Katy. Look, you left all your Bruce Springsteen CDs at my place, and I would really appreciate it if you could pick them up some time. Sooner is preferable to later. Also, if you would, bring my pink Kate Spade handbag with you. I'm pretty sure I left it at your place._

_**(click)** _

_**Hi, you have reached the cell phone of James Halpert, or as I like to call it, Halpert Haven. I can't come to the phone right now because either my job has literally killed me, or I am out hittin' the town with my entourage of gorgeous foreign women. Take your pick and leave a message after the beep. I'll most likely get back to you.** _

_**(tone)** _

_Um, hey, it's Pam. I had to look this number up on your emergency contact card, so I hope it's still legit. Although, according to the voicemail message, this is Jim Halpert, so . . . I've totally just made myself look like a jerk, well, um, sound like a jerk. Anyway, once again, you missed one of the most suspenseful moments at Dunder Mifflin since last week's Michael epidemic. Okay, so almost right after you went downstairs, your, um . . . well, Katy came into the office, and she walked over to Ryan's desk. After looking shocked for about three years, Ryan started talking to Katy. By the way, I am almost positive that she is Ryan's mystery woman. Anyway, so the two were talking like nothing was wrong, and then Kelly came out of the break room door. I swear to you, Jim, there were literal fires in her eyes. The moment she saw Katy, it was like she knew that Ryan had been cheating, and, I kid you not, she launched herself at Katy. I was actually scared for my life. Kelly looked like she was ready to kill. She and Katy literally started fist fighting or at least hair pulling/slap fighting. It got so bad Dwight had to call security and resort to the fire extinguisher. The two were actually banned from the building, and as you probably guessed, Kelly's status has been updated to persona non grata. As for Katy, well, she's been persona non grata-fied, and she's banned from any Dunder Mifflin branch for the next six months. Tough break for Ryan. I have to ask though, is it wrong that I sort of feel sorry for Kelly? Ryan was, after all, her "soul mate". Okay, Michael's coming out of his office, so I have to go. Talk to you la—_

**_(click)_ **

* * *

 

**Fr: Michael Scott**   
**Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees**   
**RE: This afternoon**

Friends:

As you all know, at approximately 3:13 in the p.m., one of our beloved employees/best friends, Kelly Kapoor got into a smokin' hot cat fight with Katy the Purse Girl, as we have come to know her. I wanted to get this notice out before Toby could get one out because he would probably encourage this type of behavior, being the sadist that he is. Despite how sexy it is to see two women work out their differences physically, it is the wrong way to handle conflict. If you'll recall, the ideal solution to conflicts is win-win-win. The situation we just experience was win-lose. Win in that cat fights are sexy, and lose in that none of them took their shirts off and Katy was banned from the office. Dunder Mifflin is like a well oiled, extended family, with Creed being the creepy uncle with a mustache that you keep away from the young children. Anyway, my point is we can't be down each other's throats if we are a part of a family. We all know how the dinner table gets after Daddy slaps Mommy, so let's be civil, shall we?

Sincerely,  
Michael Scott

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Kelly**

Damn it! That's twice now that I have missed the greatest moments this branch has/will ever seen/see. Ryan had actually asked me to keep Katy _away_ from the office, so that's why I left. She must have taken the stairs or something. You totally have a right to be scared. Kelly can be pretty damn scary. Katy, too. _Wow_ . . . Thanks for keeping me posted.

Jim

P.S.: The picture is _amazing_. The blood is so realistic, and Dwight's hair . . . you perfected his hair. And double bonus points, Beesly, for having his lips cut off in the struggle! There is no possible way he could talk. I love you for this! The picture is being hung in my bedroom, or at least pinned to my bulletin board. No words could ever express my gratitude, I'm so happy right now.

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Roy Anderson**   
**RE: Get better soon**

Honey, I missed you at lunch today. I really do hope you get better soon. It gets lonely on the drive to work. Once again, though, you are missing the most bizarre day ever. The security guards are back in the office again, including YRRLAL, the guy Meredith hooked up with last weekend. She's pretty psyched, and I have to say, it _is_ kind of sweet. Jim's ex came into the building, and Kelly just went psycho. They were both banned. Just when you though Dunder Mifflin would bore us to death, huh? I'll see you tonight.

Love,  
Pam

**Fr: Toby Flenderson**   
**Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees**   
**RE: Persona non grata**

Let it be known that due to recent events, Kelly Kapoor's status has been updated to persona non grata, as well as Katy (last name unknown). Please continue following the rules concerned with a persona non grata status, and if there are any questions or concerns, you know where to contact me.

Thanks,  
Toby

**Fr: Kelly Kapoor**   
**To: Ryan Howard**   
**RE: N/A**

Just because I've been banned from the office, doesn't mean that I have forgiven you. As a matter of fact, I don't think I will EVER forgive you. I mean, how could you? I thought you loved me. I thought you were the Kevin Bacon to my Kyra Sedgwick. But I guess Angelina Jolie got to you too. I will never forgive you, Ryan Howard, and I hope that your heart is breaking as much as mine is right now. It's over.

Kelly :'(

**Fr: Katy**   
**To: Ryan Howard**   
**RE: Kelly**

I can't believe you didn't tell me you were still involved with that bitch. If you're going to lie to me in a dating situation, it's only going to get worse the more serious we get. Needless to say, Ryan, I think we're pretty much through. God, what is with the men at Dunder Mifflin?

Katy

P.S.: You owe me 27.50 for that shirt.

**Fr: Stanley Hudson**   
**To: Creed Bratton**   
**RE: Customer service**

Sorry to bother you Creed, but earlier, when I was drawing up my customer list, I saw that a Mr. Bartelett of Shipman Industries never received his order of 8"x 12" salmon laser jet sheets, and I was wondering if you could—What in the hell?!

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Larissa Halpert**   
**RE: Dinner plans**

HJave t0 canecl tonigt. Theres been aminor emergfency. D0ont worryu abourt it thjoufgh.

L0vr4e,  
Kim

**Fr: Phyllis Lapin**   
**To: Oscar Martinez**   
**RE: N/A**

Oh, dear. Is he okay, do you think?

Phyllis

**Fr: Angela Martin**   
**To: Michael Scott**   
**RE: Emergency**

See? I just _knew_ this would happen. Todd Packer is an idiot, and he should _not_ be allowed in this building ever again. I suggest you get out here and handle the situation. Thanks to you, Jim could very well be paralyzed. I hope you can live with that over your shoulders.

Sincerely,  
Angela Martin

**Fr: Meredith Palmer**   
**To: Phyllis Lapin**   
**RE: Situation?**

Whoa. What'd I miss? Verne and I were just in the, uh, supply closet. I needed a, um, a . . . stapler since Kevin borrowed mine earlier. What happened?

Meredith

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Roy Anderson**   
**RE: Tonight**

Roy, I have to be quick, but one of my coworkers suffered a pretty serious injury, and I offered to take, um, her to the emergency room since it was partly my fault. I'll try to get home as quickly as possible, but you know how those emergency room waits are. There should be some green bean casserole in the freezer if you get hungry. Once again, I'll try to be home as soon as possible.

Pam

**Fr: Phyllis Lapin**   
**To: Meredith Palmer**   
**RE: Situation?**

I don't know specifics, but apparently Todd Packer was hanging out, up to no good by reception. Jim happened to walk up for some jelly beans, and when he went up there, Packer made some lewd comment to Pam. I don't know what he said exactly, but something about asking her if she wanted him to put his paper into her printer. Jim must have been having a terrible day because instead of ignoring it, he asked Packer to take the comment back and apologize, saying Pam, under no conditions, deserved to be spoken to like that. Packer insinuated Jim was queer and called him some other inappropriate terms, that I won't repeat, and that's when it happened. Jim punched Packer in the face! Well, he tried to at least. His fist missed by inches because Packer dodged out of the way. After he recovered from being swung at, Packer made a surprise attack and hit Jim square in the face, breaking his nose, from what I hear. If you look over by reception, you can still see some blood on the carpet. It was terrible, and the blood just kept coming. By the time they gave him a towel to staunch the flow, it had already gotten all over the front of his shirt. Poor Jim, but how romantic is that? You know those two are perfect for each other.

Phyllis

**Fr: Meredith Palmer**   
**To: Phyllis Lapin**   
**RE: Huh?**

Perfect for each other? Who? Pam and Packer?

Meredith

**Fr: Corporate**   
**To: Michael Scott**   
**RE: Employee Jim Halpert**

Words cannot possibly describe the kind of trouble you are in, Michael. I asked you, no, I _begged_ you to keep Todd Packer off the premises of your branch. But did you listen? NO, of course you didn't listen! You felt that your stupidity would substitute for wisdom, but guess what? It didn't. It NEVER does. When are you going to get it, Michael? I cannot keep covering for you! Whenever you appear inefficient, _I_ appear inefficient, Michael. Do you ever once stop to think about the others you are affecting with your inane behavior? Also, do you have any idea of what kind of monetary stress this company will face if Jim decides to file a lawsuit? I just . . . I cannot even believe you would do something so stupid.

Jan Levinson   
Dunder Mifflin Corporate Manager   
Head Offices, NY

**Fr: Michael Scott**   
**To: Corporate**   
**RE: Don't be like that**

I get the distinct impression you are mad at me, Jan. To be perfectly honest, I think it's because you are still jealous about me dating Carol. Don't be ashamed. It's perfectly normal to be jealous over an ex. Call me tonight. We'll work this out.

Love,  
Michael

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Packer, in the Office, with the Fist. . .**

I'm e-mailing this to you from my phone, and you're sitting in the chair next to mine, sleeping. I would have told you this in person, but you looked so peaceful, and I felt badly for how long we had to wait in this waiting room, so I didn't disturb you. There's actually a biker across the room with a knife lodged into his thigh and a little red haired boy with a pencil literally in his nose, so I guess it could be worse.

Anyway, I wanted to say thanks for, you know, helping me with this whole thing. I actually feel a little embarrassed about thinking I could knock out Todd F. Packer (the 'F' has come to stand for something entirely different to me). The gym teacher told me in fifth grade that I wasn't cut out for football and that I should take up something less physical like chorus. I should have listened to him. It would have saved me a broken nose which, by the way, hurts like hell. At least it's stopped bleeding. I seriously thought I was going to die back there. The only other time I saw that much blood was in seventh grade shop class, and that kid sawed his finger clear off with the band saw.

Um, I'm digressing . . . to sum it up, thank you for driving me to the emergency room and waiting with me. You're a good friend, Beesly.

Mr. Body (almost, anyway),  
Jim

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Devil in Disguise**

I'm not finished with you yet, Jim. The best part is now that I'm at my own house, I am in my own element. With a crossbow in one hand, and nun chucks in the other, there's no escape this time. Even if you come in as swiftly as a Dementor, I will crush you. Little known fact: my patronus takes the form of a beet, and you won't even know what hit you.

Awaiting the hour,  
Dwight K. Schrute


	3. Installment Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place about three weeks after Installment Two; Persona Non Grata: the Holiday Edition.

**Fr: Michael Scott**   
**Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees**   
**RE: Persona non grata**

Dear family members of the orifice,

It is with the deepest regret that I inform you of Toby Flenderson's updated status to persona non grata. While the reasoning behind this movement is unclear, rumors have surfaced that it was because he sucks. I am writing to inform you that this is absolutely true.

Dinkin' Flicka,  
Michael Scott

**Fr: Corporate**   
**To: Michael Scott**   
**RE: Persona non grata notice**

This is ridiculous, Michael. It is childish, immature, and entirely inappropriate for the workplace. You cannot declare Toby Flenderson as 'persona non grata' just because you dislike him. Please grow up.

Jan Levinson  
Dunder Mifflin Corporate Manager  
Head Offices, NY

**Fr: Kelly Kapoor**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: SQUEE!!!**

Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!!! JIM!! They're bringing back _One Tree Hill_ for a couple episodes on January 8th on the CW which will follow the crew post high school and what they have been up to (exclamation point times infinity). Oh, my God, I have not been this excited since it was released that _High School Musical 3_ will revolve around senior prom! SERIOUSLY!! Just when I thought CMM was, like, out of commission, he comes back with the rest of the gang, and oh, my God, how cute are Nathan and Hayley together? I mean, they so need their own spin-off even though their marriage is such a struggle, and I would totally watch it because it's soooo romantic to get married in high school with your one true love. Plus, like, how much does the CW rock? Practically all my favorite shows are on it, like _America's Next Top Model_ and _Beauty and the Geek_ and, oh my God, _Gossip Girl_! How great is that show??? It's totally awesome, and I so wish I had a boyfriend like Nate because he's so dreamy and rich, and I so don't understand why Serena is still with Dan when she should totally be with Nate because he's so in love with her. Oh, and that holiday episode!!! That was so sad at the end with Dan's dad and Serena's mom. Although, I guess it worked out for the better because otherwise Dan and Serena going out would totally be incest. In, like, a step-sibling sort of way. Like _Cruel Intentions_ or something. Still, you'd think since they're in New York that at least one of the characters would be Jewish and celebrate Hanukah, but whatever. Alright, I have to go, my phone is ringing, but you should definitely write me back soon.

TTYL,  
Kelly ;)

P.S.: You haven't heard from Ryan lately, have you? Just wondering.

P.P.S.: We should so go see _Enchanted_ together! It would be, like, the best thing ever.

**Fr: Creed Bratton**   
**To: Nevin Malone**   
**RE: N/A**

Do not let anyone else read this message. Trust no one. Say nothing. I asked Ashley for a paperclip, but she said she didn't have any. Mary Beth said the same thing. We have to fight this like back in the old days. They cannot deprive us of necessary paper clips. That is all.

Creed

**Fr: Kevin Malone**   
**To: Oscar Martinez**   
**RE: Creed**

Is he even still _alive_?

Kev

P.S.: Who did you get for secret Santa?

**Fr: Corporate**   
**Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees**   
**RE: Persona non grata**

To Whom It May Concern:

Toby Flenderson's status has not been raised to persona non grata, and corporate apologizes to any inconveniences this has caused. In addition, this is also a reminder that financial reports that have not been sent to the head offices must be done so by the end of the week. Corporate wishes everyone a safe, healthy holiday, and a happy new year.

Jan Levinson  
Dunder Mifflin Corporate Manager  
Head Offices, NY

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Ecretsay Antasay**

I got Michael for secret Santa :\ How does one beat an _iPod_?

Jim

P.S.: The assignment for today, Beesly, if you so choose to accept it, is to make a list of movie sequels that should never have been made. I'll start: _Look Who's Talking, Too_.

P.P.S.: Can you tell I'm bored?

**Fr: Oscar Martinez**   
**To: Kevin Malone**   
**RE: Creed**

I've heard rumors that the Creed race became extinct years ago, but nobody knows for sure. My theory: remember _Weekend at Bernie's_? Creed's that guy. The one they lug around, pretending he is alive.

Oscar

P.S.: I got Dwight. Who'd you get?

**Fr: Michael Scott**   
**To: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**RE: Secret Santa**

Switch your person for mine.

Goin' Mach 5,  
Michael Scott

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Michael Scott**   
**RE: Secret Santa**

Why? Is yours defective? (Is it Meredith?)

Dwight K. Schrute  
Assistant Regional Manager  
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

**Fr: Michael Scott**   
**To: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**RE: Secret Santa**

Oh, _blech,_ no! It's nothing like that.

I got Toby.

**Fr: Angela Martin**   
**Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees**   
**RE: Christmas Party**

Dear fellow coworkers, I need a head count of all those planning to attend the party after work today so I can procure enough food, paper products, plastic-ware, etc. Please send word of whether or not you will be attending some time before lunch.

Sincerely,  
Angela Martin

P.S.: Members of the Party Planning Committee: we will meet promptly at two this afternoon to discuss this evening's soiree. Please be punctual.

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Ecretsay Antasay**

You're not supposed to tell anyone who you got for secret Santa! It's rule number one in the secret Santa guidebook. I thought you knew better. Well, in any case, if you expect me to tell you who I got, you can just forget it. My lips are sealed ;)

As for Michael, maybe you could get him a cover for his iPod. I saw these cute covers on the internet the other day that look like hooded sweatshirts. Or if that doesn't work, you could always get him a bag of fortune cookies that he could give to Ping. I bet he would appreciate that.

Hope I helped,  
Pam

P.S.: _Caddyshack 2_ —hands down.

P.P.S.: If it's any consolation, you can barely see the bruise on your face any more. Ooh, and I've heard the ladies like scars (look at Heidi Klum and Seal), and a man in uniform (you could always become a mailman). Anyway, sorry again about getting you involved.

**Fr: Kevin Malone**   
**To: Oscar Martinez**   
**RE: Secret Santa**

My slip of paper had "Evan" on it, but I think Creed meant "Devon" when he filled them out. Now I don't know what to do because Devon doesn't even work here anymore.

Kev

P.S.: Oh, man, do you remember what Devon said at our Arbor Day celebration two years ago? And then he stole that shovel? That. Was. Hilarious.

P.P.S: I've gone over these numbers, and I am coming up $3200 shy in the company funds budget. Could you check them again? See if I did something wrong?

**Fr: Meredith Palmer**   
**To: Verne**   
**RE: Tonight**

Hey, I forgot to tell you about the Christmas party at my work tonight. Can you make it? If you have other plans, that's fine. But if not, give me a call.

Mer

P.S.: Did I leave my copy of _Ghost_ at your place? Also, I can't find my flask.

**Fr: Roy Anderson**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Tonight**

Hey, Pammy. Do you really have your heart set on going to the party after work tonight? Because I'm still feeling pretty crummy from the aftermath of that stomach flu or whatever the hell it was.Why don't we just skip it? I think _Rambo_ is playing on TNT tonight. We could order in Chinese and watch it together instead. What do you think?

Love you, babe,  
Roy

**Fr: Phyllis Lapin**   
**To: Angela Martin**   
**RE: Party**

I can't attend tonight because Bob Vance and I have a special dinner planned. He's taking me to the Olive Garden. :) I hope everything goes well.

Phyllis

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Roy Anderson**   
**RE: Tonight**

Actually, I sort of was looking forward to going to the party tonight. I mean, it can't be that bad, right? Plus, I've already bought my gift for my secret Santa recipient. Are you completely sure you don't want to go?

Love,  
Pam

**Fr: Oscar Martinez**   
**To: Kevin Malone**   
**RE: Company Funds Budget**

I have checked you calculations again and again, but I keep coming up with the same result as you. I'll send it to Angela. Maybe she knows what's going on.

Oscar

**Fr: Toby Flenderson—Human Resources**   
**Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees**   
**RE: Proper Conduct Code**

Hey, just a quick little reminder about our proper conduct code (section 7E in the Dunder Mifflin Employee handbook) since our holiday party is approaching. Although the party takes place after regulated office hours, I would like to emphasize that our conduct code is still in effect, especially the part regarding proper dress. A complaint about a certain incident last year was brought to my attention, and I would like to prevent any repeat performances. So, just follow the rules, guys, okay?

Also, regarding the ladies' bathroom: there have been another handful of complaints, once again, regarding the growing amount of graffiti on the bathroom stalls. As I have said before, this is a serious act of vandalism and can be punishable by law or a fine. If this doesn't stop, I'll be forced to give out punishment, and to be honest, I really don't want to play the bad guy, alright? So, if you have something unkind to say, write it down on a piece of paper (we have plenty of it), and put it in the shredder. It always works for me. As always, any questions regarding Dunder Mifflin's proper conduct code can be sent to me by e-mail any time of the day.

Thanks for all of your cooperation,  
Toby

**Fr: Toby Flenderson—Human Resources**   
**To: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**RE: Important**

Dwight,

When you get the time, please come see me A.S.A.P. Bring along any other containers of animal urine you might have stowed away. Also, I'll need you to bring your employee I.D. Someone has been messing with the name log, and now your name shows up as 'Idiot,' and your address keeps coming up as "4 Privet Drive".

Toby

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Michael Scott**   
**RE: Secret Santa**

As much as it pains me to say this, Michael, I cannot trade with you. I've . . . already purchased my gift. On any other occasion, you know I would shed blood for you.

Dwight K. Schrute  
Assistant Regional Manager  
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

**Fr: Kelly Kapoor**   
**Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees (not Ryan)**   
**RE: Not Ryan**

Hey, guys! I just wanted to let everyone in this office know that I am officially and totally OVER RYAN BAILEY HOWARD. I know, I know. A lot of you probably think I'm bluffing, but I'm really not. I really am OVER RYAN BAILEY HOWARD, and only on the smallest of occasions do I ever wish that his corpse would writhe in an eternal hell dimension and the fires would scorch him with the white, hot intensity of a thousand suns. But other than that, I am, like, totally OVER RYAN BAILEY HOWARD. So, Pam, if you have any cute, single guy friends (other than Jim, obviously), or, Meredith, if that security guard guy that you've been seeing has any young, single guy friends, I am way interested. You read that correctly. Kelly Kapoor is once again single and taking over the dating scene! Yay!!!

That is all,  
Kelly ;)

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Ecretsay Antasay**

Your lips are sealed, huh? Would a bag of sun chips loosen them at all? French onion?

To infinity and beyond,  
Jim

P.S.: Nice! Have to agree with you on that one. My next choice: _Police Academy 4_. Was not a fan. I just felt that in comparison to _Police Academy 2_ and _3_ , it lacked a realistic basis.

P.P.S.: I've told you that you have got to stop apologizing. It's not even your fault. Besides, it barely hurts any more. And, yes, your helpful words were consolation. Seriously considering the mailman field of work. Hey, who ever said shorts weren't business appropriate? Communists, that's who! And I'm no Commie, Pam.

**Fr: Michael Scott**   
**To: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**RE: Secret Santa**

Oh, _yuck_! God, Dwight, keep your blood to yourself. Hasn't anyone ever told you about the dangers of AIDS? And what kind of present would you get? It's probably a bag of beet seeds like you got for me your first year. Just trade people with me. Please. Look at all the great things I have for you as your boss and friend. Keep that in mind.

In comedy we trust,  
Michael

**Fr: Darryl Philbin**   
**To: Lonny**   
**RE: Betting Pool**

Yo, you goin' to the party tonight, man? Cuz me and the other guys have a bet going on concerning who will be the first to get drunk tonight. Roy's got money on the red head, as does Madge, but I'm leaning towards that Howard kid, or Packer, if he shows. Get back to me.

Later,  
Darryl

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Michael Scott**   
**RE: Secret Santa**

_Damn it_ , Michael! Don't make this more difficult for me than it already is! I can't trade with you because . . . I have already bought a gift, and . . . and you banned Yankee Swap last year when you ended up with that hideous oven mitt. So . . . tit for tit.

Dwight K. Schrute  
Assistant Regional Manager  
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

**Fr: Roy Anderson**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Tonight**

You're kidding me, right? Pam, all I ever hear you do is complain about how much you hate work. Why the hell would you want to stay after hours for a party that probably won't have alcohol anyway? Let's just stay in tonight. Maybe we can go to Hooters if you're really stuck on going out.

Roy

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Roy Anderson**   
**RE: Tonight**

I never said I hated my job. Granted, I never said I liked my job, but I never said I hated it. Um, what if we stay just until secret Santa is over?

Pam

**Fr: Roy Anderson**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Tonight**

Nah, let's just blow this joint at five.

Roy

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Roy Anderson**   
**RE: Tonight**

No. You know what, Roy? I want to stay. I already bought my gift, and I want to stay. And just out of curiosity, how would you be able to go to Hooters if you're too sick to go to the Christmas party? Furthermore, I don't even like _Rambo_. I've been really understanding these past few weeks about your sickness, and I really didn't mind helping you out. But why don't we ever do things I want to do? What's wrong with staying at a stupid, little office party for, like, an hour or two?

**Fr: Roy Anderson**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Tonight**

Meet me outside the elevator on the first floor.

**Fr: Ryan Howard**   
**To: Kelly Kapoor**   
**RE: You**

Is there any way that you could possibly be a little less obnoxious about what happened? Yes, I probably didn't handle things as gracefully as I could have, but you're being ridiculous at this point. We both know that our relationship wasn't working out. So I think it's for the best that we broke up.

Ryan

P.S.: Do you think you could bring my books for class with you tomorrow? I think I left them at your place the last time I was over.

**Fr: Kelly Kapoor**   
**To: Toby Flenderson—Human Resources**   
**RE: Dunder Mifflin's proper conduct code**

Hey, Toby! What's up? Listen, I just had a quick question regarding policy at Dunder Mifflin. What is the greatest amount of physical damage I could inflict on another employee without any kind of negative repercussion? Like, let's say, hypothetically, a knee to someone's groin. Is that totally out of bounds?

Thanks,  
Kelly ;)

**Fr: Roy Anderson**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Tonight**

You know what? You stay, and I'll go. But you can find your own way home.

**Fr: Stanley Hudson**   
**To: Darryl Philbin**   
**RE: Betting Pool**

I've got twenty dollars on myself.

Stanley

**Fr: Creed Bratton**   
**To: Ashley Marvin**   
**RE: N/A**

With regards to your hootenanny this evening, I would like to put a request in for pie. And not that stuff they sell at Home Depot. Their pie is terrible.

Creed

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Sun chips**

Tempting, Halpert, very tempting. But I'm still opting for silence on the secret Santa front. Although, if the offer still stands, I'll take you up on those sun chips. I missed lunch. Roy and I sort of got into a slight argument.

Pam

P.S.: _Jeepers Creepers 2_ \--I kept waiting (hoping) for Justin Long to show up again, even though he died in the first one.

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Sun chips**

Anything you want to talk about?

Jim

P.S.: _Meet the Fockers_

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Sun chips**

Not particularly

P.S.: _Blues Brothers 2000_

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Sun chips**

Fair enough. Let's get you those sun chips.

Jim

P.S.: Couldn't agree with you more. Mine: _High School Musical 2_.

**Fr: Angela Martin**   
**To: Oscar Martinez, Kevin Malone**   
**RE: Budget**

Dear Oscar and Kevin,

As much as it pains me to admit, I believe we have stumbled across a serious problem. I have searched my records and redone the calculations countless times, but it seems that the fact is this: $3200 is missing from the Dunder Mifflin Scranton branch's budget. This is serious.

Sincerely,  
Angela Martin

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Truce—Show no one**

Salutations, Jim: I know that we have had our differences in the past; however, I come to you waving a white flag—for the time being anyway. I need your help. Do you accept?

Dwight K. Schrute  
Assistant Regional Manager  
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

**Fr: Oscar Martinez**   
**To: Kevin Malone, Angela Martin**   
**RE: Budget**

What do we do? Should we tell Michael about it?

Oscar

**Fr: Michael Scott**   
**To: Corporate**   
**RE: Par-tay 2nite**

Ms. Levinson, I would like to personally invite you to our "holiday" soiree this evening. The way I feel: let bygones be bygones. Besides, we have a history together. We made-out a couple times, we had sex in that parking lot that one time, I let you borrow my copy of _Planes, Trains, and Automobiles_. With all these memories together, I would be honored if you would attend this evening.

In comedy we trust,  
Michael

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Dwight**

Am I dreaming? Tell me I'm dreaming. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever received. Here, I'll send it as an attachment. Should I accept?

Jim

P.S.: _Batman and Robin_

**Fr: Angela Martin**   
**To: Oscar Martinez, Kevin Malone**   
**RE: Budget**

Absolutely not. If Michael knew, he would only panic. Plus, he might cancel the party tonight, and I have worked extremely hard to put it together. We have about two hours until the end of work. We will continue to investigate in that time. Again, I reiterate: TELL NO ONE.

Sincerely,  
Angela Martin

**Fr: Corporate**   
**To: Michael Scott**   
**RE: Tonight**

You are, to be frank, Michael, an asshole.

Jan Levinson  
Dunder Mifflin Corporate Manager  
Head Offices, NY

**Fr: Creed Bratton**   
**To: Toby Flenderson—Human Resources**   
**RE: N/A**

Just received word from Tim. Tell Janice that the flightless bird has birthed a two-headed albino. She knows what that means.

Creed

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Dwight's offer**

I don't think you are dreaming, Jim. Actually, I think you're crazy because you're consulting me instead of replying to Dwight's e-mail. Have you lost your touch?

Just a small town girl, living in a paper product world,

Pam

P.S.: _Spider Man 3_ —what was the deal with his hair and that weird musical number he did?

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**RE: Truce—Show no one**

_"Do you accept?"_

Absolutely I do.

Jim

**Fr: Michael Scott**   
**To: Carol—Real Estate Girlfriend**   
**RE: Par-tay**

Hi, Carol. Just wondering if you would be interested in coming to a Christmas party we are having after work. I hear it's going to be off the hook.

Call me, beep me if you wanna reach me,  
Michael

**Fr: Kelly Kapoor**   
**To: Ryan Howard**   
**RE: Your books**

What books? I don't remember any books.

Kelly

**Fr: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Truce—Show no one**

I have to get a gift for a female colleague that I like—in a professional way. What would you suggest I get for her?

Dwight K. Schrute  
Assistant Regional Manager  
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: Dwight**

Dwight's got Angela for secret Santa and wants to know what to get for her. What should I tell him?

Crazy little thing called 'Dwigt,'

Jim

P.S.: That was a weird movie. But an even worse sequel? _2 Fast 2 Furious_. Without Vin Diesel, I just wasn't buying it.

**Fr: Pam Beesly**   
**To: Jim Halpert**   
**RE: Dwight**

Tell him to buy her a copy of the Kamasutra.

Pam

P.S.: _Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous_ —where was Benjamin Bratt, I ask?

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Dwight K. Schrute**   
**RE: Truce—Show no one**

In all honesty, Dwight, if it were me, I would get her something that has to do with cats. Or religion. Or something that involves both, like Chicken Soup for the Cat Lover's Soul. In any case, when she finds out the gift was from you, she'll appreciate the thought, and the gift won't really matter after all.

Jim

**Fr: Jim Halpert**   
**To: Pam Beesly**   
**RE: I can't believe I just typed that**

I sent Dwight an e-mail in which I didn't mock him, and I wasn't ridiculous or rude. I was actually . . . God, help me, _nice_. I think I'm gonna be sick, Pam. Really sick.

Jim

P.S.: _Airplane II_

**Fr: Kevin Malone**   
**To: Oscar Martinez, Angela Martin**   
**RE: Budget**

Guys, it looks like the $3200 was stolen from the company just like last time. And there appear to be three suspects: Creed Bratton, Phyllis Lapin, and Stanley Hudson. Gee, wonder who did it. (That was sarcasm, guys, did you get it?)

Kevin

**Fr: Oscar Martinez**   
**To: Kevin Malone**   
**RE: Budget**

Yeah, we got it, Kev.

Oscar

**Fr: Angela Martin**   
**To: Kevin Malone, Oscar Martinez**   
**RE: Budget**

We can't assume anything. The party starts in ten minutes, but we have a duty to this company to stay here and figure this out. I'll ask Creed to save us each a piece of pie.

Sincerely,  
Angela Martin

Fr: Pam Beesly  
To: Jim Halpert  
RE: I can't believe I just typed that

That's just one of the side effects of growing up, Jim. It will pass. Come on. I see Michael motioning for us all to gather in the conference room. I guess we're going to start the party.

Pam

P.S.: I'm out of ideas. You got any more?

* * *

 

 

_**DUNDER MIFFLIN INC., PAPER COMPANY** _

_1725 Slough Avenue_

_Scranton, PA 18505_

**Transcript of Dunder Mifflin Christmas party**

Transcript typed by: Pam Beesly, receptionist

Reason for meeting: To have fun, get presents, etc. Michael wanted me to type a transcript from the party because he mentioned something about it being a sentimental moment in the company's history. Personally, I think he got into Meredith Palmer's secret stash.

Everyone enters the conference room, with small, wrapped packages in their hands, and takes a seat around the table. Michael Scott, our boss, enters the room, and stands at the head of the table.

**Michael Scott:** Friends, Scrantonians, countrymen, lend me your ears! It is time for our first annual secret Santa—

**Meredith Palmer:** —Um, actually, this is our second secret Santa exchange.

**Michael Scott (sighs; could have murmured "Shut it"):** Yeah, well, last year's does not count because the gifts were terrible except for mine.

Collective protests can be heard in the room, except for Ryan Howard who is trying to cover his face in presumed embarrassment.

**Michael Scott (trying to bring the room back together):** Anyway, _anyway_ , let's get this party started, what do you say?

Michael is met with light talking, but mostly silence.

**Jim Halpert (from beside me):** This is the most ridiculous thing Michael has ever asked you—why are you typing everything I'm saying?

**Pam Beesly:** Because I need to provide a transcript that is extremely detailed and life like.

**Jim Halpert (looking over my shoulder):** And that's not crazy at _all_. Hey, I did not emphasize 'all' enough to italicize it. Maybe a bolding would suffice, but not italics.

**Pam Beesly:** But you're not the one typing this, are you?

Jim returns to his seat, while Michael continues to lead us in Secret Santa.

**Michael Scott:** Okay, why don't you start us off, Meredith?

**Meredith Palmer:** I got Creed.

She procures a gift and gives it to Creed Bratton. He takes it, opens it, and shows the rest of the room what it is. It is a raw potato. Creed nods a thanks in Meredith's direction.

**Creed Bratton:** I appreciate it, Mary Beth.

**Michael Scott (mutters under breath "Does he even work here?"):** O-kay. Kelly, you're up! Who did you get?

**Kelly Kapoor (cheerfully):** I got Ryan. There you go, _Ryan_.

She throws a lumpy looking package at Ryan. Tentatively, he opens it. Inside is what appears to be the charred remains of a large book—school book maybe?

**Ryan Howard (angrily):** My school books!

They are, in fact, his school books.

**Ryan Howard (cont.) (angrily):** Kelly, would you come with me, please?

**Kelly Kapoor:** No way, Ryan Bailey Howard. You totally deserve having your books burned. Burned like my heart was when I found out you were cheating on me. You suck!

Against her will, Ryan drags her out of the conference room. No one goes to rescue her, though. We're all pretty happy to have quiet restored.

**Michael Scott:** This is ridiculous. Creed, why don't you go next.

**Creed Bratton (standing):** I got Pan.

**Michael Scott (confused, rightfully so, I might add):** Who?

**Creed Bratton:** Her . . . I think.

He points at me.

**Pam Beesly:** Me?

He nods and tosses a crumpled looking package my way. I open it. It contains a Phillips screwdriver and five washers.

**Pam Beesly (stunned):** Oh . . . wow. Creed, these are . . . great.

He acknowledges me with salute.

**Creed Bratton:** You're welcome, Panny.

Jim Halpert stares wide-eyed at my gifts and fails to hide a huge smile. Everyone else just seems rather confused, like instead of a Christmas party, we have somehow transported ourselves to a scene from _The Twilight Zone_.

**Michael Scott:** Wow, Creed. Wh—where did you get _that_? Actually, you know what? Never mind. Let's have the next person up. Uh . . .

Oscar and Kevin finally walk in, joining the rest of us seated around the conference table. They look melancholy.

**Jim Halpert (out of the side of his mouth):** 'Melancholy,' huh?

I nod. He shrugs. Kevin and Oscar take a seat.

**Michael Scott:** Oscar! Why don't you take a whack at this, _señor_?

**Oscar Martinez:** Oh, well, uh, sure. I got Dwight.

Dwight, who has been sitting there quietly, raises his head up and stares at Oscar, who hands him a regular sized gift. Dwight opens it. Inside is a DVD of _The Quiet Man_ , one of Dwight's favorite films, after _Star Wars_ , of course.

**Dwight K. Schrute (eyes tearing slightly):** Thank you, Oscar. I have no words.

**Oscar Martinez (looking slightly embarrassed):** Oh, it's no problem. I figured you would like it.

**Dwight K. Schrute:** Like is an understatement.

**Michael Scott:** Oh, okay you two. Why don't you continue this gay affair outside of the conference area?

Oscar and Dwight stare at him almost angrily. Realizing he has perhaps gone too far, Michael retracts, and continues Secret Santa.

**Michael Scott:** Jimbo! Slim Jim! Why don't you go next?

**Jim Halpert:** Michael, I got you. He tosses a rectangular gift towards Michael, who takes it gratefully. He takes it, and opens it. Inside is an anniversary edition of _The Three Amigos!_  Despite not taking my advice, the gift is really fitting of Michael.

**Jim Halpert (looking over my shoulder):** Glad you think so, Pam.

Michael now looks like he is almost in tears. For a Christmas party, this is getting quite emotional. With glittering eyes, Michael walks over to where Jim is standing and pulls him into a hug. Jim looks startled, but hugs his boss back.

**Michael Scott:** Thank you, Jim.

**Jim Halpert:** No problem, Michael. But you're sort of crushing my windpipe now.

**Michael (backing off):** Oh, sorry. Um, anyway . . . where were we?

Before he can continue, Angela bursts into the room, looking frazzled, and just maybe like she has had too many energy drinks.

**Angela Martin:** Michael! Someone has stolen thirty-two hundred dollars from the company budget!

A collective gasp is heard in the room.

**Michael Scott (surprised):** Are you sure?

Angela nods.

**Michael Scott:** Do you know who stole the money.

**Angela Martin:** Yes, it was . . . Phyllis Lapin! I knew ever since she wanted to pick those green streamers that she was no good!

**Pam Beesly (unable to believe her ears):** Why would Phyllis, of all people, steal from the company?

**Angela Martin:** Because she and Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration were saving up for their wedding. She told me that he was taking her out to dinner tonight, but I think they are going to elope and use the money for a honeymoon instead.

**Stanley Hudson (sounding amused):** What kind of honeymoon costs only thirty-two hundred dollars?

**Angela Martin:** I don't know, Stanley, but if anyone could stretch out a penny, it's Phyllis. I don't know why I didn't see it before. Phyllis is a money grubbing, whorish woman with no sense of dignity.

**Toby Flenderson (voice of reason):** Okay, why don't we all go start the party in the other room, and, Angela, you can help me explain this to Corporate.

**Michael Scott:** PAR-TAAAAAAAY!

Everyone files out of the room, except for Jim and myself. We are too busy laughing over the whole ordeal. It is the most ridiculous thing we have ever heard. I could understand the potato, but Phyllis eloping with Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration? I don't think so.

**Jim Halpert:** You go your whole life learning the distinction between fantasy and reality, and then something like _that_ happens—

**Pam Beesly:** I know, right?

There's a silence between the two of us, interrupted only by our mutual laughter which erupts occasionally.

**Jim Halpert:** What are you typing now? Nobody is talking.

**Pam Beesly:** Nothing, just, I—remember a few weeks ago how you asked me if I wanted to watch Braveheart, but I couldn't because I was preoccupied?

Jim nods.

**Jim Halpert:** Yeah.

**Pam Beesly:** Well, would you want to watch it now? I mean, if you don't want to, that's cool—

**Jim Halpert:** I'd love to, Beesly. On one condition.

**Pam Beesly:** What?

**Jim Halpert:** Well, first, that you stop typing, because it's kind of freaking me out—

**Pam Beesly:** —Done—

**Jim Halpert:** —and second, that you tell me who your secret Santa was. I shut the laptop.

**Pam Beesly:** It was—POWER SHUTDOWN

* * *

 

**Fr: Corporate**   
**Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees**   
**RE: Persona non grata**

To Whom It May Concern:

Let it be known that sales representative, Phyllis Lapin's status has been upgraded to persona non grata. Anyone assisting Ms. Lapin onto the premises and/or informing her of the daily going ons of the office will face severe punishment. It is asked that as employees, you continue to work as usual and not allow the situation at hand to affect work ethic.

Jan Levinson  
Dunder Mifflin Corporate Manager  
Head Offices, NY

**Author's Note:**

> I originally published this over on FFN in 2006, during the height of my love affair with The Office. Now that I'm finally getting around to having an account on AO3 (nearly a decade later) as well as transferring my favorite pieces to boot, I couldn't very well leave this one out. Originally, I had planned on adding another chapter, with the inclusion of Karen and Andy, but it never worked out. I'm still pretty pleased with this trifecta, regardless.


End file.
